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My frustration and anger cannot be described in words, for how much your presence made everything worse for me in almost every way. I compared myself to you all the time. How you were better than me in this, how you were better than me in that. How she liked you better than me, how he liked you better than me. How they liked you better than me. How they chose you over me. It made me feel worthless. Worthless. But what was worse was when YOU chose them over me. I wanted to cry. I wanted to shout and scream. But I just held it together, smiled, and said, “Sure. Go ahead.” I kept on comparing myself to you. How you had this and how you had that. How you had no frustration of having siblings. How you had everything I desired. How you had a perfect life, it seemed to me. I was just stuck being me.
Almost everyday I’d feel the anger and frustration growing inside of me, threatening to lash out. I felt like that every single day. You have no idea what I’ve been through and what I’m going through. You have NO IDEA. Not when all you cared about was your own life. Hating one relative because she was overprotective. Liking another because she was your “secret weapon” to get whatever gifts you wanted. You and them had an entire list of the gifts you get each year. Money, books, toys, clothes, jewellry, EVERYTHING. I compared and compared and compared. And I couldn’t stop. I’d cry myself to sleep sometimes at night. I never told anyone. I was depressed, I didn’t cut, I was just angry. Frustrated. What a mess my life is. What a worthless person I am. What a useless person I am. Why should I even exist? I didn’t have suicidal thoughts, either. But I was just frustrated and angry. How he and I would run all over the school to look for you when you were upset. When I was upset, nobody came looking for me. Nobody. That made me feel even worse. Even more angry. Even more frustrated. No one. Not a single person. Which proved. No one cared about me.
Not a single person.
Almost everyday I’d feel the anger and frustration growing inside of me, threatening to lash out. I felt like that every single day. You have no idea what I’ve been through and what I’m going through. You have NO IDEA. Not when all you cared about was your own life. Hating one relative because she was overprotective. Liking another because she was your “secret weapon” to get whatever gifts you wanted. You and them had an entire list of the gifts you get each year. Money, books, toys, clothes, jewellry, EVERYTHING. I compared and compared and compared. And I couldn’t stop. I’d cry myself to sleep sometimes at night. I never told anyone. I was depressed, I didn’t cut, I was just angry. Frustrated. What a mess my life is. What a worthless person I am. What a useless person I am. Why should I even exist? I didn’t have suicidal thoughts, either. But I was just frustrated and angry. How he and I would run all over the school to look for you when you were upset. When I was upset, nobody came looking for me. Nobody. That made me feel even worse. Even more angry. Even more frustrated. No one. Not a single person. Which proved. No one cared about me.
Not a single person.
Worthless
Dear -------,
I'd never say this out loud to you, but I'm okay here. Often, when I'm next to you, I feel worthless. Stupid. Ugly. Useless. Because I compared myself to you. I always did. I would compare everything you and I did. I thought I was doing well, only to find that somehow you did it better, when I was the one who was better at it.
How among our friends, we all knew I was better at this particular subject. Yet everyone asks you questions about instead of me in class. And we sit next to each other. No one ever asks me questions about the subject. That made me feel stupid. Useless.
How when you were upset, ------- and I
Waiting.......
I'm just waiting for that spotlight, ya know? How one day someone famous discovers you and you all of a sudden become all famous and stuff? Blame me, but I'm waiting for that moment like every kid does before realizing that it's never gonna happen. But, eh! Who cares, right? I'm just gonna lie back and wait for someone to discover me and then I'll be all like BAIII PPL IM OFF TO HOLLYWOOD! Nah, I'm just kidding.
But, anyone would be stupid to think that you could just do that. To pursue your dreams, you actually have to have motivation and DO stuff about it! And uhhh.....never give up and work hard and stuff! That's all I have to say. Honest
Another Contest (That I'm participating in...)
Voila! It's ~yumisuu (https://www.deviantart.com/yumisuu)'s contest's link! I did as you asked, senpai!
I Don't Understand
I just find it ridiculous to find other Deviants who are new and barely upload any artwork, yet they receive tons of attention from others! They get many comments, requests for art trades etc. Yet I've been on fairly longer than them, yet I don't receive the same priviledges and attention as them. Do I not comment enough? Do I not express as much interest in topics? Am I not good enough? I just don't understand...
But I do understand that everyone is different, and that some people have interests in one topic while others may have interests in other topics, but sometimes, those new Deviants and I express interests in the SAME topic,
© 2017 - 2024 Catnessa
Comments4
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Is this an OC thing? Please tell me this doesn't happen to you, no one should feel that way!